I'm not sure where I can find my own spiritual fulfillment when I'm busy creating a space where others can be fulfilled spiritually. I love my job - deeply. It's rewarding, energizing, and inspiring, almost daily. I work with some of the most amazing students I've ever met. I learn from them. I wouldn't trade this job for anything. The only downside is that because I work at Hillel and I work Shabbats, I rarely get to escape the noise of the workweek during a Shabbat service.
There's one student who leads amazing services and when she's here, I can actually be in Shabbat instead of at work. However, she's so good that if I'm going to take a Shabbat off each month, I end up needing to skip hers. I'd like to skip the more challenging Shabbats, but those are the ones where I'm needed the most. It's a dilemma I'm facing.
It's never easy to "pray." It's never easy to silence the week and step into the space between one week and the next. But it's never been this hard before either. I think this is part of the learning process though. Maybe I need to find spaces outside of Judaism where I can experience that peace.